Naljanurk

[ruri]

saadame acousmatique siberisse.

[Cliodna]

Üks päev lugesin seda vist Postimehest. Nüüd tuli meelde jälle:

Neli rikast mängisid golfi. Järsku pidi üks neist vetsu minema, vabandas, ja lahkus. Teised jätkasid mängu ilma temata. Hakati oma poegadest rääkima.
Esimene mees ütles: ,,Minu pojal läheb häst. Ta ostis hiljuti oma sõbrale Ferrari.''
Teine mees ütles: ,,Minu pojal on ka päris kena elu. Ostis just oma sõbrale jahi.''
Kolmas mees ütles: ,,No, ega minu pojal ka vist halvasti ei lähe. Ostis oma sõbrale nüüdsama alles uhke mõisa.''
Samas jõuab neljas mees kohale ja küsib, et millest jutt käib. Kuuldes, et jutt käib poegadest, sõnas ta kurvalt: ,,Aga minu laps on gei, ja mul on selle pärast häbi, aga elu tundub tal küll päris hästi minevat. Ta on oma armukeste käest juba uue auto, jahi ja mõisa saanud.''
_________________
SOMEONE SAYS I HAVE NO LIFE - GO AND BUY MORE HEALTH POTIONS!
Avatari-Alucard: tehtud Paintis minu poolt, animeeritud abivalmi dA kasutaja abil.

[chi]

Dirty pub....
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually,no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered:

"there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies

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How To Handle A Husband

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America , "explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said:

"That's once."
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."


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Head of the Household

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon the women were gone and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied:

"My wife told me to stand here."
_________________
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[chi]

Politics explained
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

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Horrible Deaths
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

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I know the answer!
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to *** with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

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Job application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
_________________
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[chi]

A Dirty Fork
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

How old am I?
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well, there's a building in China with a big tank of latex.

Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.

Spoiler:
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said
_________________
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[chi]

Michael Jackson's New Baby
I apologize in advance for all the Michael Jackson fans, but I couldn't resist.


Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

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Company Policy
Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.


Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

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Bush at his best
Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush's face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

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Women
WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead.

No third date.

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_________________
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[ewty]

Õhtusöögilauas pärib Juku:
„Ema, kuidas ma siia ilma tulin?“
„Eee... leidsime su kapsalehe alt.“
„Aga õde?“
„Tema leidsime roosinupu seest.“
Öösel kuuleb Juku vanemate magamistoast häälitsusi ja naginat, astub sisse, paneb käed puusa ja lausub:
„Nii-nii, et siis tegeleme aiandusega?!“

------------------------------------
Lapsed õues:
„Meie peres on kolm last ja igaühel on oma tuba!“
„Aga meie peres on neli last ja igaühel on oma jalgratas!“
„Aga meie... meie peres on viis last ja igaühel on oma isa!“

------------------------------------

Mida on öelnud politseinikud:
*Lase lõdvaks, need käerauad on uued. Pärast mõnepäevast kandmist pigistavad nad vähem.
*Too oma mõlemad käed nähtavale või ma muudan su sünnitunnistuse kehtetuks dokumendiks!
*Kui sa lippama pistad, jõuad vanglasse väsinult.
*Suudad sa tõesti joosta kiiremini kui 400 meetrit sekundis? Sest sellisel kiirusel väljub kuul mu püstolist.
*Sa ei tea, kui kiiresti sõitsid? Seega võin ma ükskõik mis numbri siia kviitungile kirjutada?
*Te soovite rääkida ülemusega? Ei usu, et see aitab – mina olen nimelt täna ülemus!
*Ah Te eelistaksite hoiatust? Olgu: ma hoiatan Teid, et kui Te veel nii kiiresti sõidate, saate veel ühe trahvi.
*Olgu, ma katsun siis kohapeal uurida, kas olete purjus või mitte, niisiis: kas Miki Hiir oli kass või koer?
*Kui suured need pooleliitrised õlled ikkagi olid?
*Väga tore, et politseiülem ja linnapea on Teie sõbrad. Nad on päris jõukad, peaksid kautsjoniraha kokku küll saama.

---------------------------------------
Stuudiokorter, pimedas kööginurgas toolidel paarike, paari meetri kaugusel tukub ämm. Mees sosistab naisele:
„Kuule, noh, kuule...“
„Jäta nüüd! Ema võib kuulda...“
„Kuule...“
Algabki nagin, mingi aja pärast naise karjatus:
„Oi, emaaa...“
„Jah, tütreke?“ tõuseb ema voodilt.
„E-e-e... osta homme leiba...“
Ämm omaette: „Pagana väimees, õgard selline – juba 4. päts leiba öö jooksul!“

[chi]

Think before you Act!
My summer has been pretty much uneventful, nothing interesting whatsoever. The only thing I ever really looked forward too was every Friday night. Why? Well it was then that me and a group of my closest friends would get together and have a small fire. We'd normally go out into a clearing in a nearby forest, get a fire going and sit around and talk, hang out and have an all around good time.

Today was slightly different.

Normally we always do late Friday nights because thats when we all have the time to get together, away from family issues and work. Today, Tuesday, by chance we were all available so we decided, what the hell. About 8:30pm (EST) we all got together at a friend's place, having it in his backyard this one time. Funny how that ended up working. So there we sat, having a nice time and chatting it up. We got hungry so we decided to make some s'mores in all their goodness.

It was a little after we started that we heard sirens getting louder and louder. Soon enough, we noticed lights flashing out front the house. We, about 8 of us, ran out to see what all the commotion was about. Low and behold, theres a firetruck in the middle of the street. At first I thought it was about us, until I saw smoke coming out one of the windows of the house across the street. It was about this time I noticed the family of the house on their front lawn, and the woman is just glaring at us. Why us? What did we do? It was the dirtiest, most disgusted look I've ever seen. It was a flat out 10 second glare of hate right there.

It only took me a few seconds to realize, we're all still holding our sticks with marshmellows on them.

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The Black Dog
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, “I am so sorry to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?”

The man replied, “That first coffin is for my wife.”
”What happened to her?”
”My dog attacked and killed her.”
”Well, who is in the second coffin?”
“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also.”
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement, “Can I borrow the dog?”

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Which Category are You ?
This quiz was tested on workers in a government company.They theorized if farts can determine one's morals values.You heard it FART.It is proven to be very useful =)

Categories of People:

1 -Confident
One who farts with a powerful sound !!

2 -Liar
One who farts and blames others ...

3 -Mysterious
One who farts that cannot be detected ... (ME ! ooops...)

4 -Brave
One who farts and tells everybody that he farted ...

5 -Strong
One who farts with an AWESOME smell !!

6 -Chucklish
One who farts covered by his laugh ...

7 -Hardworking
One who takes a very long time to fart in the toilet ...

8 -Unloving
One who farts in front of his lover ...

9 -Cheerful
One who blush after farting ...

10 -Talented
One who farts with a certain tune ...

11 -Boring
One who farts while sitting in front of the comp ...
_________________
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[DogDemon]

See ei käi nüüd teema koht, aga chi...for riil...võta tempot veiza maha. Vaatan,et vahepeal oled kohe mingi sada korda järjest lisand midagi ja need on veel sada kiltsa pikad ka. Tasa sõuad, kaugele jõuad.
_________________


If you finish reading this you realize that you have wasted 5 seconds of your life!

[ruri]

[DogDemon]

Awww...see rikkus kyll nyyd mu maine ära ja moraalne kahjustus ka veel pealekauba
_________________


If you finish reading this you realize that you have wasted 5 seconds of your life!

[ewty]

mulle meeldivad chi naljad ja neid võiks rohkem olla
naerda on mõnus

et mu postitus ikka teemasse läheks

Sõbrad omavahel:
„Seedimise parandamiseks joon ma õlut, isupuudusel valget veini, madala vererõhu puhul punast, kõrge vererõhuga konjakit, gripi puhul viina.“
„Aga vett?“
„Sellist tõbe pole mul veel olnud...“

*****

Sõbrad omavahel:
„Tead, Vello: ma magasin su naisega ja ta on nüüd rase!“
„Ahsoo... Mis me oleme nüüd sugulased või?“
„Nüüd oleme tasa!“

******

Talumees ostis Silberautost E-klassi Mercedese. Ta oli siiralt üllatunud, kui algselt öeldud hinnale lisandus kopsakas summa lisavarustuse eest. Paar kuud hiljem otsis Silberauto müügimees oma maal elavatele vanematele korralikku lüpsilehma ja sattus sama talumehe otsa, kellele ta lisavarustusega Mersu müüs. Talumees väljastas müügimehele lehma eest järgmise arve:

Lehm (standardvarustusega) - 2400 krooni.
Kombineeritud värv (musta-valge kirju) - 150 krooni
Nahkkate - 100 krooni
Paak suvise ja talvise piima jaoks - 50 krooni
Nisad, keskelt augustatud - 17,50 krooni/tk
Poolautomaatne sääsetõrje (saba) - 30 krooni
Väljaheitegaaside mürgilisuse vähendaja - 60 krooni
Ilmastiku- ja maastikukindlad sõrad - 100 krooni
Dubleeritud pidurdussüsteem (esi- ja tagajalad) - 400 krooni
Mitmetonaalne helisignaal (ammumine) - 135 krooni
Sinised silmad (halogeen) - 150 krooni
Suvalise kütuse toitesüsteem - 1250 krooni
Lehma hind kokku - 4910 krooni

[chi]

Paar potteri Nalja seekord:

Dolores Umbridge imestas väga, kui märkas oma kabinetti sisenedes kirjutuslaua sahtlites tuhnivat Potterit.

” Kurat võtaks Potter, mida sa siin teed ?” Küsis ta rangelt. ‘’Sigatüüka rongi otsin’’

vastas Potter häirimatult. Umbridge väljus ja läks mööda koridori edasi. Korraga kargas talle pähe

‘’Neetud, mis rongi saab olla minu sahtlis?!’’ Ta pöördus tagasi. Potterit kabinetis enam polnud.

‘’Vist sõitis juba minema’’ mõtles Umbridge...

*****

Mööda koridori minnes lükkas Potter kergelt ministri kabineti ust. Uks ei avanenud. Potter lükkas kõvemini. Tulemus oli sama. Siis võttis Potter hoogu ja tormas õlaga vastu ust. Uks ei avanenud. ‘’Lukus’’ Taipas Potter.

*****

Ron lendab Harry ülesandel Albaaaniasse. Salongi sisenes kena stjuardess ja Weasley saadab talle öökulliga kirjakese:

‘’Tõstke palun, oma seelik järgmisel korral kõrgemale’’

Järgmisel korral tõstabki stjuardess seeliku kõrgemale. Weasley saadab uue kirja:

‘’Tõstke palun veel kõrgemale’’

Stjuardess saadab sedeli tagaasi. Hämmeldunud Weasley loeb:

‘’Kõrgemale enam ei saa, hakkab välja paistma.
Signed: Potter!
_________________
AutoIt Script | Anime-Source | Watchanimeon

[ewty]

Tervisekaitseinspektsioon kinnitas, et Talleggi kanafarmis tuvastatud Newcastle´i viirus võib siiski nakatada ka inimesi, jälgige kas keegi kolleegidest:
*toksib omaette laua taga
*nokib teiste kallal
*muneb kogu päeva maha
*kaagutab pidevalt ja ripsutab tiibu
*teda jälgides tekib ihule kananahk
siis nad võivad olla nakatunud ohtlikku tõppe

[Ilikepie]

kuningal oli kolm poega, k6ik juba sellise eas, et mine otsi naine aga keegi ei leidnud, kuningas l2ks targa juurde, arutas asja targaga ja tark ytles, et ta v6taks vibu ja viiks poisid jahile, sinna kuhu nool maandub leiab ta 6nne.
esimene poeg lasi teisele kanni vahele(m6lemal 6nn olemas)
kolmas oli noor ja polnud kogemusi ning lasi vasakusse k2tte.

---------------------------------

ameeriklane l2ks baari ja tellis viskit ning n2gi letti peal suurt purki saja taalaseid t2is, kysis siis baarmeni k2est mis asi on. Baarmen selle peale see on yks m2ng, pane sada taala sisse, saad kolm kohustust, kui need 2ra t2idad saad terve purgi endale(mis seal oli, mingi 10000 taala)j2nki m6tles noo miks mitte, pani 100 taala sisse
esimene kohustus - joo 2ra liiter tequilat nii, et yksi lihas ei liigu
teine kohustus- siit nurga tagant edasi, l2hed paremale ja seal on yks koer, tal hammas loksub, t6mba see k2tega v2lja
kolmas kohustus- siin majas kolmandal korrusel on yks 80 aastane vanamutt kes pole kunagi orgasmi saanud,
mees l6i k2ega, ei saa hakkama ja l2ks j6i enda viskit edasi
6htu l2ks edasi ja mees oli jumala kummuli ning r66kis et baarmen talle selle tequila pudeli annaks, j6i seda nii et ainult pisarad voolasid, pudel tyhi, kysis kus koer on, meest l2ks......
mingi kohutav kiskumine,karjumine, nutmine k2is
tuli mees tagasi, k2ed jumala verised, s2rk puru nooo t2iesti sodi omadega
kysis siis sellise pehme keelega, et kus see vanamutt on kellel ma hamba v2lja pidin t6mbama
_________________
rock'n'roll on anarhistide vanden6u ameerika elulaadi h2vitamiseks - david nodd

[Random Hero]

Ilikepie, sellest viimasest on ka parem versioon olemas. eestipärasem kah.

Inglane, sakslane ja venelane on vanglas. et välja saada, peavad nad ära jooma ämbritäie viina, karuga käppa suruma ja nunna vägistama.

Läheb inglane, joob pool ämbrit viina ära ja vajub kokku.

Läheb sakslane, joob viina ära, üritab karuga käppa suruda, kuid variseb koopa ees kokku.

Tuleb venelane, keerab pangele põhja peale, samm läheb segaseks ja silmad särama. Läheb siis oma lõbusas seisus Karu koopa juurde. Algul kostab koopast tigedat mõmisemist ja venekeelset ropendamist, hiljem ainult haledat niuksumist. Tuleb venelane välja ja küsib:
"Nii, kus on see nunn, kellega ma käppa suruma pidin?!"
_________________
Mulle meeldisid foorumid. Igaühel oli äge avatar ja signatuur.

[chi]

The Smart Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthily examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Speeding Farmer
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said"Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nice
The population of this country is 300 million.
165 million are retired.
That leaves 135 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 50 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice
_________________
AutoIt Script | Anime-Source | Watchanimeon

[ewty]

SÕNASELETUSI:

AATOMISEEN - Tsernobõli sampinjon
ADVOKATUUR - advokaatide mitmepäevasõit
ALLAKIRJUTANU - põhjakäinud kirjanik
ARTURRINNE - loodava laulusõprade partei
ARUPÄRIMINE - päritud mõistus
AUPAISTE - austamisest tekkinud paistetus
AUTOBIOGRAAFIA - mootorsõiduki kasutamispäevik
AUTOMAAT - autojuhina töötav madrus
BESTSELLER - parim köögiviljataime liik
DEMENTSUS - korravalvurite puudumine
DIREKTOR - kahel toolil istuv rektor
ELEKTRILÜPSIMASIN - tagurpidi töölerakandatud voolumõõtja
ESIKLAPS - trepikojast leitud laps
ESINDUSKULUD - pealinna eliittuvid
HIPOKRATISM (kr) - hobuste valitsemisvorm
HOMOGEENNE - homoseksuaalseid geene omav
HÜPERBOOL - eriti kange lahja alkohoolne jook
IIVELDAMA - juurdekasvu muretsema
IIVELDAMINE - teadlik intensiivne iibe tõstmine
ILMADAAM - klientuurikriisis vaevlev lõbutüdruk
ILMKÄRAKAS - eriti kange alkohol
INTERNAAT - rahvusvaheline umbrohi
JONNIPUNN - tropp, mis jonnivale lapsele suhu topitakse
JÄRELTULIJA - nuhk
KAABELTAUD - kaablivargusmaania
KAARDIMOOR - topograafiaga tegelev vana naine
KABELIMATS - vulgaarse olemisega matusetalitaja
KALLIGRAAIFA - armastuskirjad
KANNIBAL - laste mänguasjade õgija
KARUJAHT - suur kohmakas purjekas
KERGEUSKLIKUD - tunutd teatrimehe fännid
KIIRABI - kiirustades antud abi
KILUKARP - kilu ja karpkala hübriid
KILUPIRUKAS - alakaaluline suupiste
KODAKONDSED - eeskojas elamisõigust omavad isikud
KODULIND - kodus töötav prostituut
KOLEERIK - agressiivselt meelestatud koolerahaige
KONKURENT - väikese ruumi üür
KONSERVANT - vekitud elevant
KRAADIKLAAS - pokaal, milles tembitakse alkohoolseid jooke
KROSSISÕIT - odav turismireis
KULMINATSIOON - tipprahvus
KULTUUR - isanotsu aega mõõtev seadeldis
KULTUUR - sigatsev kell
KULUAAR - 100 ruutmeetrit kuivanud kulu
KÕHUKORIN - vanurite ühislaul pensionisabas
KÜÜNISTAMINE - otsustab etapp heinatöödel
LABORATOORIUM - suur labane muusikateos
LAHESOPP - suurepärane muda
LAMENT - prantsuse miilits
LASURIIT - pauguhunnik
LATIKAS - Läti raha slängis
LATIKAS - rahakas lätlane
LEKKIMINE - Albaania rahas plekkimine
LINAROPSIMINE - voodisse oksendamine
LITS - Leedu raha läti keeles
LUTIKAS - imik
LUUPAINAJA - krooniline piinav kurgutõbi kalapäevadel
MANALA - kirumisekoht
MARODÖÖR - mõnus merelõhn
MARUTAUD - väga mõnus epideemia
MEDIKAMENT - tervishoiupolitseinik
MEESKONNAD - isased kahepaiksed
MEMMEPOEG - lapselaps
MENUETT - vähene menu
METALLURG - metallist koobas
MOKALAAT - kohvi suurmüük
MULLAHARIJA - vaimulik harija
MUUMITROLL - ühissõiduk muumiatele
NEUROKIRURG - ülimalt närviline haavaarst
NIISUTUSKANAL - melodramaatiliste seebiooperite telekanal
NUPUVÕTE - jõhkravõitu, kuid lubatud tegevus malemängus
NÄLJATONT - kummitus dieedil
OGARALT - tobe madal naishääl
OPOSITSIOONIVAIM - koalitsiooni luupainaja
OPOSITSIOONIVAIM - vähemuskummitus
PADAÄSS - peakokk
PAISELEHT - paise korral antav haigusleht
PAJATAMA - pajaga lajatama
PANEERIMINE - aadliseisusse tõstmine Poolas
PANKROTIKARTUS - hirmuvärinad krediidiasutuse näriliste ees
PAPINAEL - vaimuliku valuuta
PARAMEETER - parapsühholoogiline mõõteriist
PASKVILL - madala kvaliteediga vill
PASSILAUD - kehvade kaartidega mänguseltskond
PASTORAAL - pastori elektronarvuti
PEAENERGEETIK - aju biovälja uurija
PEASISSEKÄIK - suu
PEERUVALGUS - põlema süüdatud kõhutuul

****
Miks Potsatajast ei saa kunagi ärimeest?
Vastab Armeenia Raadio: raske on äri ajada, kui mobiiltelefon pidevalt kõrva kukub!

[erik_schults]

Need Harry Potteri naljad olid väga head...

Juku küsib isa käest:
"Issi palun osta mulle trumm."
Isa:
"Ei, sa hakkad mul tööd segama."
"Ära muretse, ma löön trummi ainult siis, kui sa magad!"

"Kelner! Minu supi sees on nööp!"
"No ja siis? Kas teie tahtsite siis selle raha eest tervet mantlit saada?"

"Ma olin kaks korda abielus ja kummalgi korral ei vedanud!" ütleb Peeter sõbrale.
"Kuidas nii?", sõber küsima.
"Esimen naine läks minu juurest ära, teine aga ei läinud!"

Meremehel on hea - saabub sadamasse, tuled laevalt maha ja kaldal ootab sind armas neiuke.
Lenduril on hea - maandud lennuväljal, tuled lennukist välja ja leiad neiukese eest ootamas.
Ka vedurijuhil on hea - sõidad jaama, astud vedurist välja ja perroonil ootab sind armas neiuke.
Halb on ainult neiukesel - sadamast jookse lennuväljale, lennuväljalt raudteejaama .... jalad väsivad ära.

Mille poolest erinevad naisterahvad vanuses 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 ja 58?
8: saadad ta voodisse ja jutustad talle mõne imepärase loo.
18: jutustad talle imepäraseid lugusid, et teda voodisse saada.
28: et teda voodisse saada, pole isegi imepäraseid lugusid tarvis jutustada.
38: ta jutustab sulle endale imepäraseid lugusid, et sind voodisse saada.
48: jutustad talle imepäraseid lugusid, et temaga mitte voodisse minna.
58: jääd päevadeks voodisse, et mitte kuulda, kuidas temakese imepärased lood tekkivad.

Noor papp oli oma esimese jutluse ajal kirikus nii närvis, et ei suutnud isegi korralikult rääkida.
Enne teist jutlust, järgmisel pühapäeval, õpetas peapiiskop, kuidas end lõdvestada. Ta pakkus välja järgmise lahenduse:
Järgmisel korral valage paar tilka viina klaasitäie vee hulka ja jooge see ära. Siis näete, kuidas pärast paari klaasitäie ärajoomist tunnete end palju rahulikumalt.
Järgmisel pühapäeval tegi papp nii, kuidas õpetatud oli ja tundis end peatselt tõeliselt lõdvestununa. Jutlus läks kenasti ja kõne suisa voolas lainetena üle avara kiriku. Pärast jutlust leidis papp oma toast järgmise sisuga kirja peapiiskopilt:
Lugupeetud Isa,
Järgmisel korral valage paar tilka viina klaasi vee hulka - mitte paar tilka vett klaasi viina hulka. Kirjutan teile mõnedest tähelepanekutest, et samad vead ei korduks teil järgmisel pühapäeval:
- ei ole mingit vajadust torgata sidrunilõiku kirikuviina karikasse.
- see väike kamber altari kõrval ei ole tualett...
- proovige vältida Püha Maria kujule naaldumist ja eelkõige Tema kallistamist ja rindade mudimist.
- käskusid on kümme mitte 12. see-eest apostleid oli kaksteist mitte seitse. Keegi neist ei olnud Pöialpoiss.
- me ei viita Meie Issand Jeesus Kristusele "JC and boys"
- Taavet tappis Koljati kivi ja linguga, mitte ei "retsinud".
- me ei viita Juudasele, kui "kuradi persevest"
- ärge nimetage Ristija Johannest "Ristiisaks".
- Bin Ladenil ei ole Jeesuse suremisega midagi pistmist.
- ärge lugege palvet kiriku trepil ja päris kindlasti ei tohi seda teha jalg Piibli peal.
- armuleib tuleb jagada armulauast osavõtjatele. See ei ole kirikuviinale pealehammustamiseks elik sakusmendiks.
- kui õhutate inimesi andma vabatahtlikku kümnist, võtke ära silt, kust võib lugeda "kümnis on minu palk".
- patustajad lähevad Põrgusse mitte "hobusepersse".
- "Meie Isa Palve" tuleb lugeda käed taeva poole, mitte neid lainetuselaadselt lehvitades nii nagu "Laulva revulutsiooni" aegadel Lauluväljakul.
- see oli hea, et kutsusite kirikulised Jumalale tantsima, kuid rivijenka ei olnud seda mitte.
- see tüüp, kes istus seal altari nurga juures ja kellest rääkides kasutasite sõnu "homo" ja "seelikus transvestiit" olin mina.

P.S. TÄHTIS! Loodan, et need väikesed vead on järgmise pühapäeva jutluse ajaks parandatud.

Alati Teie peapiiskop
_________________

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[Envy]