Naljanurk

[chi]

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman

says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman. The maid says,

"I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid

replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to

the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I

want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the
witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to

the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid

answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill

affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.

This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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Little Tom was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky

-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tom?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tom tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tom patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "that's because he's inside your STUPID CAT!"

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Teacher: If I have 7 oranges in one hand and 8 on the other, what would I have?
Class: Big Hands!!!!!!

Teacher: Sam, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Sam: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Sam: Mom, teacher was asking me today if I've any brothers or sisters
who will be coming to school.
Mom: That's nice of her to take such an interest,dear. So what did she
say when you told her you're the only child, my dear?
Sam: She just said ... 'Thanks goodness!'

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In a clinic
***********
Doctor: I've "bad news" and "very bad news" for you.
Patient: Well, might be better give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you've 24 hours to live.
Patient: What?! 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be even worse then? Tell me the very bad news.
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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BEAUTIFUL
a man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open

and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by

his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because

instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are

wearing off!

[chi]

1973>2007

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack of his truck.

1973: Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his truck and gets his to show Jack.

2007: School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2007: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973: Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2007: Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007: Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy’s sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973: Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007: Pedro’s cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973: Ants die.

2007: BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973: In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

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WHEN I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met.

She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now I'm 32 and am looking for a girl with really big boobs.



SORRY ITS SADLY TRUTH!!

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Five (5) Secrets of a Perfect Relationship

1. Its important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job.



2. Its important have a woman who can make you laugh.



3. Its important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie.



4. Its important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.



5. Its very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[chi]

forgetful actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

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Why Teachers are Teachers!!

Another very smart professor! The Final Exam At the UniversityCollege Cape Breton , there were four sophomores taking chemistryand all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were soconfident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visitsome friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but afterall the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't makeit back to UCCB until early Monday morning. Rather than taking thefinal then, they decided that after the final they would explain totheir professor why they missed it. They said that they visitedfriends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, theymissed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the finalthe next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied thatnight for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms andgave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem,worth 5 points. Cool,they thought! Each one in a separate room,thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.On the second page was written.... For 95 points: Whichtire?________________

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Jame Bond and his state-of-the-art watch.
The Best picup line ever ehh....

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

Bond explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically. "

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

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Kidnapped Wife
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt
been home for so long.

She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

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Lost Wives

Home depot- Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing theircarts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to theyoung guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guessI wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guysays, "That's OK. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her,and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybewe can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The youngguy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blueeyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, ahalter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guysays, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

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Idiot
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[chi]

Tech Support!
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.

Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.

When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..."

The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."

The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

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On her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:

" Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"

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moral joke
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over two years, so we decided to get married. She was a beauty and I was very happy! There was only one thing bothering me. My prospective sister-in-law was a teenager who wore tight micro skirts and low cut blouses She would regularly bend down when near me and I always see her underwear. It had to be deliberate, as she never did it when she was near anyone else.

The other day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married to her sister. I was in shock and couldn't say a word. She said,

"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want to have me, just come up and get me."

I was frozen as I watched her go up the stairs, pull down her panties and throw them down the stairs at me. I turned and went straight to the front door, opened it and stepped out of the house. I walked towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for a better man."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Tenshi-san]

võibolla olete isegi kuulnud:

Blonddin läheb koju, näeb enda meest teise naisega voodis.
Blondiin võtab sahtlist püstoli, asetab selle enda oimu kohale.
Mees karjub : EIIIIIIIIIII!
Blondiin vastu: Mis sa kisad siin, sa oled järgmine!
_________________
Olen jah imelik, kes seda siis ei tea?

[Ummi]

On see siin olnud?

Little Johnny and Little Suzie are both in a Sunday School class...unfortunately Little Suzie has problems staying awake, so one day Little Johnny decides he's going to set her straight, and brings a pin with him to the latest class. As the teacher starts asking the class questions, Johnny can see Suzie nodding off...so just as the teacher asks "Who is our Almighty Father?" Johnny jabs her with the pin, and she cries out "God in heaven!"
"Very good Suzie!" The teacher replied. And then she went back into her speech. Very soon, Suzie was nodding off again as the teacher asked, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Again, Johnny jabbed her, and she cried out "Jesus Christ!" "Excellent, Suzie!" The teacher, again, flew back into her oration. However, now Suzie was wise to Johnny's activities, so just as the teacher asked "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" As Suzie say Johnny lunging with the needle, she jumped up and screamed "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear, I'll break it in half!"

---

A Priest , Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.
They are on the 18th hole and the priest hits the ball and it bounces of a tree and lands 3 feet from the hole.
Jesus hits the ball and it lands on a lilly pad in the water hazard and he says he'll walk out to get it his next shot.
The old man hits the ball and it bounces off a tree and heads for the water hazard and just then a fish jumps out of the hazard and eats the ball but before the fish goes back in to the water a hawk grabs the fish and as the hawk flies over the 18th hole the ball falls out of the fish's mouth and lands in the hole.
Jesus looks ate the old man and says "Nice shot Dad."

---

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

---

Pirate Jim walks into his 10 year high-school reunion and is greeted by one of his old buddies:

Bob: Jim! It's been ages, man! How's the pirate business? You must be busy, since you've got the peg-leg, the hook-hand, and the eye-patch.
Jim: Aye, they be wounds from me sea-battles matey.
Bob: Really? How did you lose your leg?
Jim: 'Twas me first battle, and I got it blown off by a cannonball.
Bob: Wow! And your hand?
Jim: 'Twas me second battle, and I got it sliced off by a rapier.
Bob: Did you lose your eye in a sea battle too?
Jim: No, I was looking up at the mast one day and a bird shat in me eye.
Bob: What? You lost your eye because some bird pooped in it?
Jim: Well, it was me first day with the hook and all...

---

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''
_________________
baka pole surnud, me postitame siia peaaegu iga kuu

[chi]

Ma ei viitsi ülejäänud pilte linkida, kel huvi, leiab nad siit:

http://www.nivlam.com/funneh2/

[chi]

Why they should stop radio calls

> Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
>
> Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in
> Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
> The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask
> if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the
> contestant answers "yes",
he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
person
is also asked to divulge the name of
> their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner
> answers > those same three questions
correctly, they both win the prize.
>
> One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big
> Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the
funniest
thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
>
> DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of'MateMatch'?"
>
> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
>
> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,
Florida
> if you win. What is your name? First only please."
>
> Contestant: "Brian."
>
> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
>
> Brian: "Yes."
>
> DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
>
> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
>
> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
>
> Brian: "Sara."
>
> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
>
> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>
> DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
>
> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
>
> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
>
> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>
> DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
>
> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
>
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>
> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
>
> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>
> Brian: "About 10 minutes."
>
> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."
>
> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
>
> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"
>
> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
>
> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
>
> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with
us
> for a couple of weeks..."
>
> DJ: "Uh huh..."
>
> Brian: "... and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
>
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>
> Brian: "On the kitchen table."
>
> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred
> times wife's work number and call her up.
> You listen to this."
>
> 3 minutes of commercials follow.
>
> DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
>
> (touch tones..... ringing....)
>
> Clerk: "Kinkos."
>
> DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
>
> Clerk: "This is she."
>
> DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now
> and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
>
> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
> Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"
>
> Sarah: "No."
>
> DJ: "Good!"
>
> Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up
> to?"
>
> Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly,
okay? Be completely honest."
>
> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
> your answers match Brian's answers,
then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida
for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to
the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>
> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
>
> Sarah: "Oh God, Brian.... uh, this morning before Brian went to
work."
>
> DJ: "What time?"
>
> Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
>
> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
>
> Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
>
> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
> his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question
> away from a trip to Florida.
Are you ready?"
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>
> DJ: "Where did you have it?"
>
> Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
>
> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
>
> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
>
> Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
>
> DJ: Come on Sarah..... where did you have it?
>
> Sarah: "In the ass....."
>
> After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
> break"

[kriu]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHndaS3fYyw

[Ummi]

Stirlitz läks metsa seenele. Komistas kännu otsa ja kukkus näoli lumme.
"Pole vist hooaeg," mõtles Stirlitz.

Kõrvits jutustab pärast aiapidu: "Uba oli selles, et Redis jõi ennast peedist täiesti kapsaks - kakerdas ringi, ise paljas nagu porgand ja nüüd on tal kurk haige."
_________________
baka pole surnud, me postitame siia peaaegu iga kuu

[chi]

New Priest
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand...and try sayings things like, "Yes, I see,"
and "Yes, go on," and, "I understand."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand, and
repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?! What happened next?'"


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Brain Transplant (Gentlemen... Please Do Not Be Offended)
In the hospital relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces."The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, " R5,000 for a male brain, and R200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used, the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners. so they are as good as new"

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Little Kids Know...
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"O.k." she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

She replied, "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

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people made a question & decided to know the answer according each country normal citizen.

they asked " whats your personal opinion about food lack problem in the rest of the world"

they went to china, but people asked what does "your personal opinion" mean ?

in Niger, people asked, what does "food" mean ?

in Sweden, people asked, what does "lack" mean ?

in usa, they couldnt understand the meaning of "the rest of the world"

[chi]

A patient is going for a very dangerous head surgery,so the anxious patient struck a conversation with the doc to calm his nerve.

Guy: Doctor is the surgery risky?
Doc:YES! absolutely,cos only 1 in 10 people could survive after undergo this surgery.
Guy: WHAT!!!
Doc:But, sir u no need to worry.(smiling face)
Guy:Why is it so?
Doc:Cos' I'd done this surgery to 9 people and all of them died.

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poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

[chi]

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Wife wanted
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received three hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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Mustard [disgusting joke... dont read when you eat]

A boy named Mustard was sitting at a picnic table with friends and family having a bar-b-q. He was going to have a hotdog, when he decided to ask "Can somebody pass the ketchup?". Nobody heard him, again he asked "Can somebody please pass the ketchup?''. Again nobody heard him, and finally "Can somebody please pass the fucking ketchup?". His mother flips out and says "Mustard if you use that foul language at this table ever again, I will lock you in your room and throw away the key".

Within five minutes he used that same foul language asking for the mustard, so his mother did as she promised. Two hours later, mustard had to go to the washroom, so he's yelling this to his mom, and she has to find the key. While she's searching for the key, Mustard manages to find a roll of toilet paper, and decides to use the window.

A motorcycle officer with his new uniform, new bike, and new helmet is standing outside buffing his new boots, when he suddenly hears a window open. He looks up to see an ass hang out the window, and literally shit on him. The cop walks up to the door of the asses residence, knocks on the door and waits. Mustards mother opens up the door, and the officer says "Maam, there is a man deficating out of your upstairs window" and she says "Oh, that's just Mustard!". He scoops with his finger, has a taste and replies "Nope, it's pure shit".

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Oriental message
Thorn was on a business trip and was staying in this fancy hotel. When he went up to his room there was a sign near the bed that said "Try our Oriental Massage".

So he rang down to the reception and told the clerk that he'd wanted to try one of the massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady came up and started giving him a massage.

He was on his stomach and got pretty h-o-r-n-y resulting in a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he did she saw his c*ck standing to attention.

She giggled and said "Ahh, you want wa-n-ky!" and Thorn said "Oooh, yes!"

She ran off into the bathroom and left him on the bed waiting. A few minutes passed by and she stuck her head out from behind the door and said "You finished yet?

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Blonde and lawyer quizz
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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[Ummi]

Väike inglisekeelne nali.

Two fish are in a tank. One of them turns to the other and asks "How do you start this thing?"

Ja veel.

Part paterdab kõrtsi. Küsib: "Viinamarju on?"

Kõrtsmik: "Mis, kas see näeb välja nagu toidopood siin või? Meil ei ole viinamarju!" Part läheb ära.

Järgmine päev tuleb part jälle kõrtsi: "Viinamarju on?"

Kõrtsmik: "Ma juba ütlesin, et ei ole, nüüd kasi minema!" Part läheb ära.

Järgnenud päeval tuleb part jälle kõrtsi ja küsib viinamarjade kohta.

Kõrtsmik läheb vihaseks ja karjub: "Ei ole! Kui sa veel minu baaris viinamarju küsid, naelutan su jalad põranda külge!!" Part läheb minema.

Järgmine päev tuleb part baari ja küsib: "Naelu on?"

Kõrtsmik: "Ei."

Part: "Viinamarju on?"
_________________
baka pole surnud, me postitame siia peaaegu iga kuu

[chi]

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10 resons why God created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden, because he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that, someday, Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV. They want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that, when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply. But, He knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the No. 1 reason of all:

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared ...

"I can do better than that."
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Summer Classes for Men
Due to the Complexity and Difficulty Level Of Their Contents, Class Sizes Will Be Limited to 8 Participants Maximum.

Class 1: How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6: Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7: Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

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Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers ...

What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? Shut the door!

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

[ruri]

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were female, one was a male. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the male gave a truly touching speech saying he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others. The females applauded.

Q. Why haven't they sent any women to the moon? A. Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, "Here. Iron this."

[chi]

[Cliodna]

[aenea]

A nun, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is
this, a joke?"

[chi]